To Be Known and Loved

It’s interesting to think about who we are and why we are the way we are. At least it’s interesting to me, which is probably why I became a counselor. I never set out to be a counselor. I thought counselors were weird people who didn’t know what else to do with their lives except let people pay them to listen to their problems, like an emotional garbage collector. That never appealed to me, and I certainly never considered making it my profession.

But the Lord had other plans and here I am 20 years later teaching about it, writing about it, making videos about it, and practicing it every day. How did that happen? Well, I think it began through my fascination with people. I love to hear people’s stories, to understand what makes them tic, and why they make some of the decisions they make! My parents love to remind me that this has been true of me since I was very young. They love to tell the story of me getting off an airplane when I was in the fifth grade and as I exited the terminal I was talking to, laughing with, and hugging an older couple who I’d sat next to on the flight. They told my parents that I had spoken with them the entire plane ride from Los Angeles to Houston. I guess it’s in my DNA.

So that’s what I do most days when I’m working with someone in counseling, I’m trying to get to know them. The reason this is so important for me, is it helps me have a glimpse into what makes a person who they are. See, if you tell me that you suffer from depression, I probably have no idea what you actually mean. What I have been taught about depression, what I know about depression, and what I’ve experienced with depression may be completely different than what you intend for me to know about your experience. If I assume that I know what you mean, I might inadvertently lead counseling in an unhelpful direction because I don’t fully understand what you’re dealing with. However, if you can spend some time telling me stories of when you experienced it, what it felt like to experience it, what the worst experiences were like, and what you’re trying to avoid happening again, then I start to have a sense of how to help you because I’m more familiar with the specific impact it’s having on your life.

Counseling is not as simple as running clients through some clinical algorithm that applies to every individual resulting in a protocol for treatment complete with a step-by-step process to eradicating symptoms of depression. No, this process is much more complicated and fluid. What has been true, time and time again, is the better I know a person, the more equipped I am to help them. That’s what I have grown to appreciate and love about the counseling profession, it offers people a place to be known without judgement or fear. I call these sacred spaces, and I believe every one of us need places like this in our life.

Why do I think this is so important? I think we’re all asking one question or some version of it, “If you really knew me, would you love me and accept me?” I think our greatest fear is that the answer will be, “No, this is too much and I can’t love you or accept you!” But the deepest longing of our heart is for it to be, “Yes! I can know you and love you!” To be known AND loved is what brings true healing.

We spend so much time seeking acceptance from others based on how we perform that we can go a lifetime without anyone truly knowing what is at the core of who we are. Most of us hide our shame, wounds, fears, desires, beliefs (true and false ones), and everything else we don’t like to share, and carry all of it alone. We think performance will fix our shame, but it only makes it worse. Performance doesn’t heal shame, being known does. Why? Because the way everything looks on the outside does nothing to answer our core question, “Am I loved in the deepest and truest parts of who I am?”

I believe this is the message Jesus came to give us. This is the gospel, “You don’t have to perform for my love. I love you because of who I’ve created you to be.” Jesus is after our identity, not the caricature the world demands, but the realest version of who he designed us to be. God demonstrates this kind of love and acceptance in Matthew 3:16-17. Matthew writes, “As soon as Jesus was baptized, he went up out of the water. At that moment heaven was opened, and he saw the Spirit of God descending like a dove and alighting on him. And a voice from heaven said, ‘This is my son, whom I love; with him I am well pleased.’” The words that God spoke over Jesus are so powerful and they demonstrate the pattern I’ve been describing above. The world likes will flip the message, “I am pleased with you. Therefore, I love you. Therefore, I accept you.” But I believe God speaks these words of acceptance over Jesus because he intends to demonstrate the love he longs for us to have for one another. “You are my son/daughter, and because you’re my son/daughter I love you, and because I love you, I am pleased with you.” To love this way, we must know people. To know people, we must know their stories. To know their stories, we must engage them and create spaces of belonging. Lay down your need to perform and take the time to be known, it’s worth it!